I never know how to help or what to do to help so I don't help and things get bad for the people I love. I might be being dramatic, but I don't know, I feel like I'm just incapable of really helping and when I do help I feel like I'm really struggling to and it takes a lot of effort. I feel like a good person wouldn't have these problems, either. I don't think there are really good, bad, or evil people but I think there's problematic people and I feel like I'm one of them.
It feels like this is some inevitability that I realized this, and it isn't the first time I've realized this, because I've lost more than enough friends to make me think hm I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I'm so scared of losing the friends I have now to my stupidity and lack of effort, or that I'll snap and it'll be over. I think about my relationship and it makes me so anxious this idea.
This is incredibly dark compared to the entries so far in this journal but I also am far enough in I have to wonder if anyone even still reads these things. I mean I don't know if anyone read them to start with. Let me be clear, I'm not complaining. I appreciate the, what feels like, privacy of it all. Of course, when people mention things in my diaries, I'm like whattttt but I guess I'm cool with it.
Why am I scared of intimacy again? I feel like I've damaged my brain, and I don't know if I could be normal again now.