December 15, 2023

2:41pm

20 minutes left til I leave work and I can't wait so I'm writing a quick diary entry. I feel like this blog is the watch me struggle with my addiction blog. At leas the diary portion of it is. Today was the no weed at work challenge and I survived. I'm glad I got to go home early, though. Or that I'm getting to go home early. I'm not looking forward to a sober train ride.
I think it's pretty embarassing that I feel proud of myself for going 8 hours without smoking during the day, but I'll take what I can get. I guess I'm only doing this because my pen died unexpectedly (very expectedly i just didn't feel like going home to find the charger after I'd left and was early enough to get coffee). Yeah, I plan to smoke when I get home, but it'll feel like an earned little treat now. I think that it's a good thing, too, to try to cut down before the holidays every year so I'm not dying of withdrawal the entire time. I hate that this is my third Christmas of being a loser who can't function without weed. I hate flying now because of it. I can't go anywhere out of the country (except long live canada, i guess). I'm just tired of myself, I guess, to some extent.
Maybe things will get better since I opened up, but I don't know.

7:13pm

CAN I GRADUATE?! CAN I GRADUATE ?! CAN I GRADUATE ?! CAN I GRADUATE ?! CAN I
I think I want to start posting my outfits to instagram. I've been having a fuck ton of fun lately posting on neocities and this has been seriously liberating. I think I'm get a positive view of the internet from the time I spend on here which I appreciate but theres so many sobering realities out there. I hate the fact that the internet isn't the place I want it to be and that the reality is that I open myself up to harrassment and sexual stuff when I put myself out there and that's gross. Still, I'd love to give a try? I don't know, I kind of feel like I have been more confident in myself lately, but I don't want to push that to an extreme. We'll see how I feel after the holidays, of course. This is always an interesting time for me.
I've noticed I have a tendency to consume social media in excess which isn't exactly untypical of my generation but I also know that I feel like I am not making true connections sometimes in favor of makign many connections, but it feels like everyone else is doing the same thing. I hate this culture we live in of follow and move on, if that makes sense. I know I sound like such a boomer but I want to sit with what I follow and understand it. However, I don't. Because I want something new on my feed every time I refresh it and I need constant stimulation.