sooooo i lied. i clearly have dedicated quite a bit of time to this. i'm proud of how far this site has come in two days, and I look forward to updating it further. it's suprisingly hard to remember to sit down and write out my thought during the week. i find myself extremely busy and forgetting i even wanted to say anything.
today really made me think. I haven't been paying attention in my classes and that makes me feel guilty when i love my classes and i want to get a lot out of them i think i just am experiencing burnout or something. sometimes my brain legitemately feels rotten and i dont know what to do about that. i think it probably has to do with smoking too much but i wonder if i even stopped if i'd be capable of thinking like i used to. however, i also know my writing is conceptually in a stronger place than it has ever been. it's hard.
i'm really nervous about the next assignment in my VCS class because i think i feel like incapable of writing about an image for a substantial word count. i want to create an image for this assignment, but the pressure feels immense to make sure it's perfect. also, if i do it that way, i have to write a biography of myself and about my work and i don't even think i know my work well enough to do that. ive been fixated on lacan and hegel and the mirror stage and master-slave dialectic but i dont think that this neccesarily makes for a rife topic for my third assingment in this class. i feel like my professor is going to shake me and say "have an original thought." i don't think i'll be able to write about that anyways because i have to focus on something covered in a lecture and that was covered in a reading.
it's frustrating being so artistically stuck right now when it feels like this skill i should be able to depend on for projects. i could do my best but that doesn't feel good enough at this school when it comes to art. i could write another essay all day long but i hate putting my art next to my peers right now because it feels like it's so alienated from who i am. i feel like when i make things, they're for purposes. not art.