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November 14, 2023


I do love a Wednesday. Today wasn't that bad. Gf came with me to therapy and that was nice (not in the session just to the building) and so we got to go shopping for art supplies afterwards and it was fun. We got some stuff for making christmas cards and collages. An AMAZING haul of Women's Day magazine. I'm glad my girlfriend was home all day and we got to spend it together. I didn't feel too antsy today. I actually felt so unanxious it was weird at one point.
I think that I feel better about my ability to think come today lol. I feel like the conversation I had in therapy really had me thinking. I have this assignment for my LGBT Intergenerational Dialogues class where I have to tell a story from my life to a crowd and it's like lowkey stressing me out. I wrote this story about coming out to my cousin and I feel like the reaction I got was people grasping at straws for meaning where they couldn't find it and I think the issue is that I'm not passionate about the story. I want to completely rework it and rewrite it but I don't know what's too nsfw for a story or what's okay. I think everyone has different limits and different opinions and it'll be hard to please everyone no matter what I do! This is frustrating. I have no idea what I will do still.
The story I want to tell is practically the story of my life, and I know they said don't start from the top, but I don't know where else to start from. I want to start with the first time I experienced queerness unbeknownst to me. I feel like googling "Britney Spears" and locking myself in my bedroom is a pretty universal experience. I want, then, to go to the first time I said gay around that age and wasn't told what it meant. I think the theme is experiencing queerness in spite of alienation from it. I never was in the library looking for the word homosexual. I was never really googling am i gay quizzes. I just knew. I think that a lot of people feel that way, surprisingly. Being protected in a weird way left me to explore and piece together my identity sexually, romantically, and in terms of gender with a freedom of a inexperienced artist given oil paints. My compositions only made sense to me. It was when I came to high school that I suddenly was confronted with structures of queerness, blackness, and other boxes of existence that I hadn't been faced with before in my sheltered world. I think that it was when my sibling came out and my parents flipped out that I truly understood what it meant to really be percieved as queer in the world.
I think that's enough writing for now. I basically have started the story right here! I feel decently inspired to complete this assignment now. I also have figured out some of the assignment bothering me yesterday. I think I will write about Reservoir Dogs and the queerness of it and the gaze and all that. I'll get into that later. I've got a lot of homework to do tonight still! That sucks. Also wifey will be home soon and I'd rather be done writing when she gets here so I'm not busy and can give some attention. Maybe we'll watch Reservoir Dogs if I can convince her. It's about time I wrote about it for school.